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4th April 2015
Where have you been?
I've been living in such a world of chaos!! :
So chris my brother and I were living in a condo in bridgeview for a couple of years!!
I was going to counseling for a couple of years!! She kind of sucked!! It didn't work. Don't get me wrong I'm a believer in counseling, but it just wasn't for me. Or maybe she wasn't for me.
My Aunt passed away better known as Lisa's ma sometime ago. I was asked to speak which surprised me!! However my eulogy was destroyed in my gym bag!! Don't ask why or how it got there because I would just say I didn't know, and you know what? It would be the truth.
So work sucks. I for a while was asked to train jaws users for employment which was great. So part time I was in IDFPR and the other half I was teaching computers which was great.
Now continuing with my timeline. So I was stressed with living with chris because I had no desire to be with her. Any way my brother was with out a job and occasionally contributed when he had money, don't ask where he got it. Eventually I found out he was doing crack. One part was angry another hurt and the rest numb. We seen enough growing up why would we get involved in that? I had enough when he didn't go to my aunts wake or funeral. I told him he needed to get his shit together and stop doing that. I told him he needed to tell our folks so we can try and get him in a facility. It took some time with me talking to him and his girl bitching, but he eventually complied.
He talked to ma.and they went to get him in to a facility called teen challenge.
In the mean time I found out that Christina was pregnant. Ya you heard right... Fuck! My plate is already full. don't have room for anything else.
That was another reason I told him he needed to get his shit together. Not her, Not with someone I don't have feelings for!! I'm to good for this. Not how I wanted to have a kid.
Now she is about 7 and a half months preggo.
To be continued going to baseball practice. One of the few joys I still have left. Peace be with you!!
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
(Reveal to me)
5th May 2012
Gone baby gone!
So today I lost my best friend!! :
The whole situation is remarkable!! Did I get really out smarted? She is rather clever. I'd like to think it wasn't out smarted but I had no walls up, and gave complete trust in her!! Not that I really use walls with people!!
Quite on the numb side!! Its that go on the zombie mode, where I just walk through life!!
Loss it never gets easier no matter how many times you experience it. It always has that paralyzing affect, the pain in your stomach which you can't shake.
Is it losing the friendship that hurts more, or knowing that I've been lied to, deceived, and cheated on possibly??
I've lived everything by the books, always been completely honest and?
Is there any honest people out there? Any one who has character?
A thousand questions I have and I feel I'll never know what to believe!!
Don't know what to say!!
3 revelations (Reveal to me)
22nd April 2012
Don't really have a subject.
Wow what a horible subject. :
Anyway. I officially received my license. Now lookin for a job!!
I found a place to stay with my brother. Part of me doesn't wanna leave cuz I wanna save for a house. But he needs a room mate... I also don't wanna get in to the habit of drinking.
My sister will probably stay with us. That will probably suck since there is only 2 bedrooms. I will probably get the couch, cuz I'm nice like that. Grrr!!
Went to OKC, had a blast!! Hi lis, *WAVES*.
That was probably the highlight of the last 2 or so months. I'm pretty boring ain't I?
I really haven't felt like me in the last so many months, I feel rather bla if that makes any sense. Just floating through life, goin through the motions.
Baseball has started up. Yea. We lost 2 players, hoodlum and darnel. Yea for Darnel/lary williams and not yea for hood. Darnell is actually a good player but a prick.
We also picked up like 5 new players. This is good for the rebuilding but not ofr the season. Losing those two left a tremendous gap in our offense and defense. But I usually say everyone is replaceable now I just have to believe it.
Maybe its just discouraged I can't find a job yet. Sorry I switched subjects on you all with out telling. Maybe because I'm not working full time I feel like I'm just existing. I need a dose of happiness!!
Guess we'll see how this living situation goes. Please religious people pray for me. I will not survive a week with Elisabeth. Love her to pieces, but can't live with her. Peace and smiles Rich.
1 revelation (Reveal to me)
15th February 2012
Pause and breathe
Let us start with the writers block. :
The weirdest dream??
Some years ago I had a dream I escaped hell. I remember a cell and a little window. I heard some one coming and I climbed through the top. I found my self on moist grass on earth.
Another was I climbed down from a tree and saw a snake hanging by its tail and it bit me.
Now tell Pastor that one!!
The weirdest part is that I really never, and I mean never remember my dreams... Hell, snakes?? Must be a sign!!
I finally got my finger prints done and turned it in to school and now I am playing the waiting game... I wait on my licens.
My bro broke up with his girl. I think he is getting depressed. Him and I are considering getting a condo or something.
My other bro broke up with his lady about a month ago.
We came to a realization at my sis's house warming party that we were all bachelors.
Friggin light up the town!!
So training for the marathon isn't as simple as I thought it would be.
Me and my guy ran only like two miles the other day.
I did hit like 3 to 4 miles yesterday which wasn't bad, but not nearly enough. I hate asthma, I really do.
Need to start lookin for full time employment!!
Push-ups 40 60 to go still have til dec. 31.
Looks like I am gonna be an uncle again, Liz is preggo!! Idiot!!
Not much to update as of current. Hope all is well with u all!
Peace King Rich.
(Reveal to me)
5th February 2012
Is this the beginning?
Did it, done. :
Graduated and now past the state exam.
Next step fingerprinted and then look and more look for jobs.
After going through the hell with the teaching at ISU, it feels damn good to accomplish something. But I need to remember its not over until I am working full time.
Slowly but surely things shall fall in to place.
I need to start applying for jobs now, just am feeling don't know, ain't really motivated to do so... Does that make sense?
After I received my bachelors I had applied for like probably 75 jobs and hadn't heard back. I know the economy and all, but grr...
Makes me feel not so much worthless, but hopeless maybe.
There's a scary thought for the last so long, I'm 29, and don't have a house, fulltime job and am not married with kids. I often feel life is passing me by and I'm not progressing quick enough, if that makes any type of sense.
Time quickly slincks away and I am pulled along by the tether
The tether snaps and her shadow scurries in the distance.
I slowly trudge after but find that I am losing ground.
I fear that I will some day lose sight of her and I will be left motionless in the dark.
All opportunity will have desserted me and I will be no more, and this journey?
This journey will have been for nothing.
Dude that was so emo!!
Anyway just some thoughts rattling around in my little brain.
I can think you know, aren't you proud of me?
Well that is it for now I guess.
Leaving you with a song. Song is by a band known as addison road, is a religious song for anyone who ain't religious. You've been warned. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6J5TzSE_18
5 revelations (Reveal to me)
11th January 2012
A new year, a new beginning
So my ma asked me to speak at the funeral, to write something.
I immediately went to work. It was much simplier then I thought it would be. Probably because she was such an amazing woman and had such a profound affect on my life. I've never known her to be negative, constantly positive, encouraging and always giving.
So I was elected to go first. When I arrived at the part of grandma accepting and having room in her heart for all her grand and great grandchildren and still having enought room for Madeline's foster children, I cracked and tears?? Really?? In front of people!! I shook it off and smiled at the people and said something like "that wasn't suppose to happen." We then went to the burial site. The other speakers were three other grand children.
Finally we went to a dinner with the family, which I never understood why we eat after someone dies!!
Christmas was weird with her gone, but alright. I received a coat, and cologne and jammies, slippers and mario jammies. Lol!!
My birthday was nice and all!!
Last saturday I graduated!! Yea!! Now need to take the state exam, and find a job. But one thing at a time.
My brother left for Moody Bible Institute last week!! Hope he enjoys it!!
Need to find a place to live, an apartment and all.
I went to get my loans consolidated last week waiting to hear back from them. 33,000 dollars in loans!! Grrr!!
Some one pray for me.
Currently at work and shouldn't be writing. Had a bit of time.
Well I think that about sums my life up!! Peace and smiles!! Rich.
2 revelations (Reveal to me)
24th December 2011
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before? :
Got 3rd in the world series!! Graduated massage school!! Went to a bachelorette party!!
Placed in a weight loss contest at work!!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Probably didn't keep them!! Prob will make more!!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Ya grandma!! Remarkable woman!!
5. What countries did you visit?
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011
A job and happiness!! Place I can call my own!! My bro to stay on the straight and narrow!!
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
22nd of dec. cuz my grandma passed!! 20th cuz I officially finished school!!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
9. What was your biggest failure?
Didn't really have any.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Nothing, don't really buy things!!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Christina for graduating grad school, Dan for starting to get his life together, Mike for being excepted at Moody bible!! Lisa for getting her licens
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Don't care, I never think about that stuff!!
14. Where did most of your money go?
food and bills!!
15. What events did you get really, really, really excited about?
Baseball!! I need sports or I feel empty. Getting a job!!
16. What songs will always remind you of 2010?
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? About same, I don't really change in that regard!!
ii. thinner or fatter? prob the same.
iii. richer or poorer? maybe a bit richer. maybe not cuz of christmas gifts!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spent more time with grandma.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Arguing with christina!!
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Don't know its kind of not on our plate with everything goin on.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
23. How many one-night stands?
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Haven't watched TV. Use to watch house and heroes!!
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
26. What was the best book you read?
Read to many.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery?
Nothing. However I go to albumhunt.com
28. What did you want and get?
29. What did you want and not get?
I like the answer already there!!
A sense of security in my life circumstances.
30. What were your favorite films of this year?
To many!! Maybe the movie about going in to dreams, can't remember the name of it.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28, god I'm old!! Went to a restaurant.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
To be more financially stable!!
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Hmm not sure what this means. The same, don't care what people think, fashion is superficial.
34. What kept you sane?
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least?
Quarterback for denver, not ashamed of his faith.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Most politics bother me, there al a bunch of morons!!
37. Whom did you miss?
Most people I don't talk to much
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Christina from class!!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
The hardest thing to do is to hurt people and let go.
40. Do you have any lost feelings of others.
Not that I know of!!
41. favorite concerts you went to
Um, none!! *Sad face*.
42. Quote a song that sums up your year:
Running in to the wind!!
Wow that was pointless!!
(Reveal to me)
23rd December 2011
There's a sense of emptiness in the air, or maybe its just in me. I find my self at a loss for words which is a rarity for me... :
I came home from work today and did a bit of shopping with Christina... When I got back I heard from one of my sisters that they predicted Grandma was gonna pass. I had to see her, I really did. I felt compeled to see her!!
Christina and I drove to see her and it was just jason, my mas two sisters and my ma.
My ma asked me if I would like to rub her head and arms. I'm officially a massage therapist and I should feel comfortable with things like that right? Wrong!! I felt quite awkward considering she's going!! Of course I did it...
My ma then told me I should have some words with my grandma alone!! She said they felt she wasn't ready to go until everyone talked to her.
I felt even a greater sense of discomfort at this request!!
Of course I did it.
I didn't know what I was gonna say!!
When I got alone with her it felt the words just flowed!!
I told her I love her and that I'm sorry for not telling her enough. I thanked her for being part of my life!! I thanked her for making me feel welcome and part of the family!! I reminded me that she had always told me to dream big!! I told her I had came an angry person and she had taught me to love people regardless of who they were, and regardless of their flaws!! I told her she had lived a prosperous life with many children, grandchildren, and many great grandchildren!! I ended by telling her I love her kissing her and leaving!!
I left about 30 minutes later.
She died an hour after that!!
Mike, my dad and I went to see her before the funeral home took her!!
At one point I had tried to will her back to life, as if that was possible!!
I just got home a bit ago!!
I'll write more on the subject at a later time!!
Much love goes out to a great woman who's influenced so much!!
Peace be with your spirit!
4 revelations (Reveal to me)
15th November 2011
So time and time again I've been accused of being stoic or detached from situations around in my life. I've known that for some time, because I've had this internal struggle with my self prior. When I've been to funerals it never bothered me. Even the last one my uncle ken's. Maybe it was I was never really close to him... I mean I talked to him at family gatherings and all, but it didn't bother me a bit. It just felt like a typical day. :
So here's the deal. My grandma's in the hospital because of a stroke, and she's doing quite bad... I mean quite bad. She's in a rehab center and all. She just took an extremly rapid decline in the last month or so. She couldn't go to the bathroom at the time, or even talk coherently. She forgot how to answer a phone and all. She heard it ring, but didn't know how to pick it up...
Inside I'm like "it is what it is", but outside I know I should feel something... I mean I was relatively close to her...
This is a letter I just wrote to her a few months ago for a gift from the family...
A thick silence hangs in the air like a fog which I freely allow to rap around my mind. All that could be heard is the hypnotic hum that eminates from my computer. I allow the tether holding my mind in place to snap and I slowly drift back to the past.
It was mid-july of 96 and I prepared for what awaited me on this day. I was going to move from the "place" in to a new home... home? If memory serves me right I met you when I entered the car! Do you recall that day? I don't remember much about that day except two things. First I remember breaking a tree branch outside of Chris's house, and the other was that you gave me something. Do you remember what you gave me? I'll help your memory. You gave me a beanny baby! It was a tiger by the name of stripes. I kept that tiger for years to come. I tell myself I kept it because I loved tigers, but to tell you the truth I believe I kept it for more than that. I feel that there were underlying reasons I kept that thing. Maybe it was for security reasons, I guess we'll never know.
That was when our relationship began. Do you remember our debates? You and I argued like we were the smartest people on earth. The funny thing is I don't recall a thing we argued about... I do remember you contacted a place called Hadley for the blind? You felt I should be a lawyer. Not a teacher like the others, but a lawyer. I still sometimes think law would be a good route for me. I actually held that career choice in my heart for the longest time. You told me that you had spoken to a lawyer who was blind at Hadley, do you remember that?
Do you remember that you use to slave over math with me in highschool? I know now two things; 1 you hate math and weren't good at it, and 2 you put yourself through that for me. I remember trying to solve problems with you for hours and hours. I guess thats the teacher in you. Thanks muchly for that!!
Do you remember that I use to write for you? You told me you'd give a dollar for every page I'd write cuz you said I had a gift! Gift? Ability? Noone ever told me that!! Do you know how many times I wished that a teacher would tell me that? I threw open the floodgates of my mind and allowed poetry to flow as if it were a dam allowing all of the waters to burst forth. I hungered to write, and make a few bucks on the side.
The money portion was soon dismanteled by mom, but I still wrote. I practically wrote everyday for months to come. Did you know I wrote in highschool? I was even president of the poetry magazine. I just didn't write for leisure, but I wrote to heal. In fact, I still write. I still have all of my poems and writings from the beginning.
I recall a time sitting with you in mom's van and you told me that I was a masochist because I wanted to play football and wrestle. Do you remember that? You said I loved pain. Looking back on that I feel it was a safe way to let my aggression out. Do you remember the rocky set you bought me? It consisted of all 5 movies. I know you didn't do that for you but me!! Then there was the time that mom got mad at you for letting me watch forest gump! I was so oblivious!! I was the image of pure innocence. Just playing!! I know you still have that note I wrote you for your birthday!!
As mentioned previously the thing I take with me the most is the gift of writing. Its my way of expressing my self when life gets to overwhelming. The pen always seems to find the words to say when I can't.
Before I wrote this I had someone read me the things everyone else wrote in your book. They wrote, you accept people with all of their flaws and blemishes. I would like to think I've always had that, but if not, then I've learned that from you. If I've learned that from you then that is the greatest success you've had in my life.
Her words are tendrals sliding to your very essence,
teaching of love and acceptance.
Her song is that of the siren,
entrancing you to see life through the eyes of one much wiser than yourself.
Her faith is that of a child,
allowing you to dream bigger than life itself.
Her words are from the well spring of life,
drunk in by those in search of wisdom.
Her song is that of the purest form,
its melody encouraging the broken spirit.
Her faith is that of the strongest light,
illuminating the path for those who've lost their way.
Her heart is that of the purest air,
bringing life to all around.
Her soul is cut from the same cloth as the angels,
for who can deny her unwavering kindness.
Her love is the hands of time,
limitless, without end, or beginning and for all to enjoy.
I still haven't seen her yet. Every bit of me knows I should feel something but I don't...
To other news... Dan's got a full time job in a factory!! I'm so happy it worked out. A slow steady climb from the bottom, keep on movin bro from the life you once knew!!
I often tell my self that I don't usually feel because its my way of adapting to situations.
The first time hurts, but after I experience something I'm ready for it. I'm aware of how it feels so therefore it don't phase me.
Break ups don't bother me any more because I'm aware of how it feels. Even when my bro went to jail for the first time I was numb. I walked around life like a zombie. When it happened again, I didn't mind as much, it was just part of the way things were. I wish I just wasn't always so calyst.
So I realized I love the !! mark!! I use it all the time... I was tempted to use it on that last sentence and this one as well... Lol!!
My grandma's an awesome woman, I wouldn't want any other. Doesn't that sound corney?? Don't answer that it was a rhetorical question.
One month and done with school!!
Peace and smiles, Blindgod!!
Dude I forgot my phone at work. I also need to run. Anyway, I'm out!
(Reveal to me)
28th October 2011
Mac and cheese please?
Who the hell gets Mac and cheese at a restaurant? O did I mention she is an adult?? Maybe its just my warped sense of humor that found that quite comical. :
So dan's goin to AA meetings!! He's also going to men's breakfasts at a church once a week. Jokingly I told him I lost my drinkin partner!! But of course I'm truly proud of him!! As of current he's turned his whole life around!! He rocks!!
Off to class tomorrow!! Maybe to a halloween party after that... I'm considering being an aghatia chick. Ya probably spelled it wrong!! Last year I was tinkerbell. I wore a once piece swim suit, wings, a tiara, a wand, and balarina slippers!! Man I looked great!!
Godda live a little!!
Can't be to silly I have clinic sunday morning!!
Actually those days are far gone!!
It looks as if Liz is finally done with her rediculous boy!! Man how many times have I heard that story??
She just needs to worry about self and school.
Speaking of... She just called me. She wants to borrow money 4 gas!! I told her ya, but I'm going with her and putting the gas in the car!! There, solves that problem.
Peace and smiles to all.
Could be worse.
6 revelations (Reveal to me)
19th October 2011
If ever time would slow her decent and give me "time" for me it would be nice of her. :
I realized I'm booked!!
Dude so Work is like three hours there and back to the lighthouse. Now to friedman its 5 hours there and back. I work monday/friday and school weekends, my life sucks!!
Now I get my free time!!
O, never, yup you guessed it, never!!
Nothing in life is free!!
Well technically I'm writing this so I must have had some time on my hands!! Well, maybe its not that bad!!
So plans, tomorrow work, write coach that email he said at the conference call he didn't receive my last one... Write this massage chick an email to set up a time for a trade. Do research, braille a bunch of notes, maybe go with my brother on friday to an church thing for recovery addictions.
Yup my life sucks!!
Speaking of work, I need to call beth about massaging some of the clients there. For free of course because I can't except pay!! But I need to get all there friggin pharmacology info and health concerns before I even place hands on them...
Could be worse, I could be a toad or dead!!
God I'm sexy!!
Well peace be with all.
(Reveal to me)
14th October 2011
Captains log star date 10/14/2011 :
Laziness seems to be the path to sure distruction...
Well tomorrow is busy as hell!! Go to school 9 to 6. Wake up at 615. Sounds fun right? Dude you can relax on sunday.
Negative, Clinic on sunday from 9 to 6. Got to get a new computer chord for the laptop.
Haven't started reading for next weeks test...
Dan went to church last week, he grilled at our house.
We sent him to the emergency room because his leg/feet were swelling up. They didn't really wanna take him because he don't have any insurance.
They said it was cellulitis and gave him anti/biotics for like 70 dollars.
He did work once I know of this week fixing up a coffee shop!!
Drive!! Drive past the confinment of your past. Settle for no less then success.
Remember comfortability sews the seeds of mischief.
Hey ember Happy B day!! Rock on, goin on 40 and never looked better, my how u r blessed.
Peace be with u, Rich.
(Reveal to me)
8th October 2011
Writer's Block: Freewill vs. fate
Is love destined or is it a choice?
Well, the question thats plagued me for many many years.
Destiny vs free will.
This question primarily plagued me for religious reasons. So is god's salvation predestined or free will?
On acount I like to have some form of control over things I'm not much of a believer in predestination.
I'll take free will maybe?? for $500
Maybe I'm a mix of both. I sort of don't know... I believe if you fall in love with someone its beyond your control. Something about them you enjoy and can't resist the feelings they bring about in you. I believe you control if you allow yourself to fall in love with another. If you allow the feelings to control you. Whether or not you allow yourself to be open enough to have those feelings. Its possible to be closed off and uncompliant to those feelings. So I believe you can't control the feelings you have, but you control what you do with those feelings. So I'm going in circles and am no closer then I was before.
As it goes with religion I am unsure...
Well thanks for listening, this is your friendly reporter saying Peace and stay classy sandiego... What movie is that from and I'll give u a dollar!!
(Reveal to me)
1st October 2011
4 quarters and done. I have 1 quarter left and officially a licensed massage therapist... :
Who I want to work with is the million dollar question.
Do I want to work with athletes? A spa? Do I want to do clinical injuries? Work with special population such as cancer patients, hospis care, victums of abuse, autistic children, pregnancy? I think it is where I can land a job, still feels like I'm grasping at straws. I think if I can land a job I'll then specialize...
Dan got out yesterday at like 1 in the morning. His girl and I went and picked him up. He says the same thing, things will change and he has all these plans such as apprenticeship for electricians union and so on. Sounds nice on paper lets c if he goes through with it.
Its not that I don't have confidence in him, cuz I do, but its gonna be a hell of a road uphill. Truth is no one believes in him but his girl and I...
He's suppose to go to church with me and my brother tomorrow.
The rubble shifts and he arises like a phoenix from the ashes.
The road to the great unknown feels like a thousand light years away.
I the shadow am welded to his very essence, and await our destination.
I urge him to burn the remminence of a shattered past.
Trudge carefully past the path of faltered steps that you know so well.
Guard carefully against the creatures of the night that lurk at every turn.
The demons with their melodic promises and promising eyes that beg for your attension.
The corpses of your past begging for you to give them life.
Do not wonder the land of Succubisses for their temptation shall be your downfall.
Do not lie under the blanket of familiarity for it has been known to sufficate its victums.
Choose your companions well for they shall be your strength in your time of distress.
Keep those who believe in a better tomorrow for they will be your refuge through the storm.
Well gonna go for now, done writing. I'll finish the poem sometime later.
Was suppose to c ember and octo and the little one today but was up late and so decided to try monday. Ya, Ember hates me... So does the little one... *Sad face*. I feel like such a evil god father... I need to do better.
Well Peace to all Rich.
6 revelations (Reveal to me)
12th September 2011
There's no time like the present!!
2 years and the world has changed so dramatically. I completed school with a bachelors degree, but not in what I wanted. I was quite shooken up about and still may not ever fully recover. :
2010 Dan went away for 4 months after the court case finally went through. He went to a rehab center which was better than prison. Once again I was rather shooken up. He got out and was doing half way alright.
He got pulled over for a DUI and got a violation of his felony. He recently missed court because they told him they moved it up but he didn't receive the letter in the mail. When he showed up on the originally appointed date they said he had a warrant for his arrest because court was moved up to two days prior. His bond was set at 30,000 dollars...
My life sucks.
Things haven't been working out for some time with my relationship and I broke it off about a week ago.
Feels awkward being single after a relationship for about 3 years.
I've been going to school for massage therapy and am looking to get a job in a hospital setting or a physical therapist office. I currently am working a couple jobs and staying relatively busy.
Had baseball in the summer and we took 3rd, was the best we've done since I've been with them.
I just needed to update, needed to vent. Goals for next year is to have a 40 hour job and my own place. O ya, and run a marathon, any one wanna join??
Just random things I do when I'm bord... I need to write more, ain't really feeling creative. U know what they say, u don't use it u lose it.
Well, peace be with u!! Rich.
3 revelations (Reveal to me)
3rd July 2009
Pop, pop pop
So she finally popped. I told octo I'd try and make it down there. I just haven't yet. Train schedule is so weird and I'd probably have to miss work. I could take a train down monday morning at like 3 a.m. But I wouldn't arrive until 9 and it cost 89 dollars. That sounds a lot for a one way trip... :
I feel like I'm spending money up the butt. I have a gigantic phone bill I need to pay by today.
Goin to the taste of chicago today... My brother needs to stop his lifestyle and get a damn job.
How does someone with such potential waste it?
Work is bla. Some of the clients are so difficult to work with, due to cognitive issues. I think I just need to be more creative...
Went to practice with walley wednesday. Did pretty shitty. Haven't been running and my ediet has been shit. Coach as well as my self will be disappointed when my goal of getting below 150 won't occur. I've seen a napropath, and I don't know. I'll give him like 2 or 3 more times.. cost 50 dollars each time. My neck just sucks. grrr. chronic pain for like 2 years.
its actually spelled naprapath.
sis got in to it with ma and is out of the house...
Alan is pretty sad bout it.
I should write more often, but just don't have the motivation...
Have I grown out of lj? It was just a phase, I swear!! jk.
4 revelations (Reveal to me)
31st May 2009
me against the world?
I'm aware he's made a bad choice, the truth is theres nothing anyone could do about it. My mom tries to help by salting the wounds. "Rich what's wrong?" "I don't know, just bla, numb, don't know what to do". "You know your brother made his choice, he dug his grave he needs to lie in it. Prisons bad, people get raped and beaten and..." Way to fuckin go slick, thanks for kicking me when I'm down. Tell me something I don't already know. :
I'm aware he burned his bridges, but... I feel like its he's burned those bridges and everyone who claims to love him just shrugs on the other side and walks away.
I guess my philosophy is different. I believe if you love some one you find a way to them, and walk across that bridge with them hand and hand. There is my version of love.
I know he was feeling down because he didn't have a place of his own and was living in Jims boat house. He said he wouldn't tell his girl because he was to embarrased.
Last time I talked to him he was at her house cooking things for him and her on the grill. I know he was looking for an apartment. A guy left a message on his phone and I hacked it and looked at it. So that shows some effert that he was trying to get back on his feet.
Tomorrow I'm going to try and meet with a lawyer a friend knows so hopefully I could get something cheap. I'm gonna hope to get the bond knocked from 10000 to something lower so its lower then a thousand to walk. Gonna try and knock down the felony to a misdemeanor so he won't have to be in trouble for the rest of his life. I'm a little more confident then I was a few days ago, but just scared as hell to have a little white boy in a prison. I'm gonna try and talk to my friends cousin who knows people in cook that Dan could stick by. All ma says is pray, as if thats gonna help. I believe in prayer, but you also act on prayer, it just won't just appear, if that were the case I'd be rich as hell.
I can't stop thinking about it, difficult to function.
Can't explain it y I just can't just leave him, he's the closest thing I have. Maybe its cuz he's been through everything with me and he's always stuck by me, that I just can't abandon him.
Someone pray for me.
Don't know what to write, peace rich.
2 revelations (Reveal to me)
27th May 2009
O lord out of control. :
There's a bit of numbness in the air tonight.
I didn't want to find out.
So Dan stole a car and other things and sold it at a pawn shop.
Basically its 10 behind bars.
I don't feel, can't feel.
How the hell? y the hell? I knew he was struggling but to do this, y?
It doesn't make any se, what the hell was he thinking?
Taylor said she's gonna find out more after work tomorrow.
I don't wanna find out more, no one knows and I wanna keep it that way.
I'm so numb.
Nothing feels real.
What are you doing man? What the hell were you thinking?
Can't write anymore.
Jesus christ what do you know, its Louie's 28th birthday today.
2 revelations (Reveal to me)
25th May 2009
Its all coming back
So the summer is beginning and I feel bla!
I was able to get the job at the residential place as a "jaws teacher". I also may help with activities director. The funny thing is I don't know a whole lot about JFW. But most, not all are beginners so I teach MS word and IE. Some have intellectual disabilities and some are smarter then I'll ever be so I have a wide range of people to work with. The only thing that sucks is I have to travel 2 hours there and 2 hours back. Drives me mad. Such a long trip at 6 in the morning...
I feel guilty about complaining because I should be thankful for having a job. I am actually thankful, I'd work anywhere.
Um, Interesting story... I took Christina to church yesterday and it was weird. I think she was uncomfortable; but at least they didn't speak in tongues. It wasn't like it normally is, but just some rather weird things occured.
Example, The speaker was speaking and randomly broke out in song; talk bout a wake up call!!
Today/tomorrow we are having a barbecue. I invited Christina so we'l see what happens. I just feel bad she drives constantly.
Last week we went downtown with JJ and Jose. There is this cool phone I want that talks and has GPS that tells you so much detail its sick. It'd be perfect for me who isn't the greatest traveler in the world...
My brother and his girl came down a few weeks ago to visit me and that was a fun time. I hadn't seen him in some time. I just worry about him a lot. He ain't back on his feet yet. I pray he'll get there in due time. Any way I'm tired and am heading off to dreamland. So if I don't dream, I wonder where I'll go, just thinking out loud. Peace and may god be with all! Rich/blindgod.
1 revelation (Reveal to me)
2nd May 2009
The road trip to and from hell! Rich how did you do it?
The last time I updated was in late august. I had written a poem about Tif who was critical of me about things she had no idea about. I had her in a class last semester. She made a comment about people supposedly doing my work for me as well as other rather rough comments. I feel that the part that bugged me the most was she hadn't met me and she was so "God" like to pass judgment. That semester didn't go quite as well as I hoped. In fact, I got a D in the class and couldn't continue to the next set of classes. :
Failure!!! Words pierce the silence until this day. The constant pounding in my head, the fear, the insecurities! The questions, "Do I belong here? Am I meant for this?" So to hell with you failure I have overcame you. The insecurity was the hardest part to overcome. I didn't really have a clue of why I didn't do well last time, I had passed all of the papers, the observations, but I wasn't "ready".
Every lesson starting in January when I had to repeat the course was a nightmare. Was I doing alright? My confidence was nonexistant!! I was waiting for him to tell me "your not going on". No matter how many times the teacher informed me I was gonna be alright. I heard the words but wasn't willing to except them. This semester went well, my student wrote a book, read a chapter book and many other successful lessons. So tif must feel a sense of joy with regards to me not completing the class the first time. I guess she is the better person *roles eyes*. The only benefit I feel is that I had overcome. I had walked in a class day in and out knowing I should have past the course. I feel that was one of the hardest things I had to do in my entire life. I don't think many things are harder!! I can't believe that it is over!! Perseverance thank you for helping me through.
To more happier thoughts. It has almost been 15 months for Chris and I. The arguing, fighting and anger has gotten a lot better. Things are slowly getting better. We were able to see each other probably more then we thought this semester. So at this moment I can't really complain. Jesus My writing sucks from the point I use to be at. I need to write more on this thing.
I have a job on the north side of the city this summer that pays $15 an hour. I'll be working 32 hours teaching JFW and being an activity director. I can't complain, God has really blessed me regarding that aspect of my life.
I'm kind of tired so I think I will be going!! Peace and smiles. I'll write more a hell of a lot sooner then before!!
Can you hear it? The gentle sound of fluttering wings! I'm gonna touch the skies!!
Peace One love One god!! Rich/Blindgod
2 revelations (Reveal to me)
29th August 2008
The unbelievable becoming that which is believable.
I was floored what some one said regarding me so wrote this poem to remember it and make sure I never forget!! :
I long to be justice.
before I judge that to which I know nothing about.
I long to be the knowledge to which I lack.
So please I beg of you call me the princess of falsehood!
I am imperfection the lack of that which is perfect.
so please let my flaws be shaded from the world!
So I am the queen of the standard of which you shall not meet.
So let me find flaws with my lack of understanding.
And I am the historian who lacks a scroll to write on.
So let me claim that to which I can not prove.
And I dare not acknowledge his existance.
For if he does not exist, he is not on the same page, for if he is not
on the same page he is not in the same book and therefore nonexistent.
For I am correct, truth, and the standard to which all shall meet!
So tread no other water, because no other standard shall exist!!
I may write more of this later.
2 revelations (Reveal to me)
17th August 2008
I wanna hug
U often bring your self to the realization that life is beyond your control. But still u find your self trying to control the uncontrolable!! :
This entry will be bits and pieces of my thoughts so they will go in no particular order!!
Lisa told me that their was a problem with her neck about a month or three weeks ago!! I thought nothing of it until she told me she was going for an MRI!! She fears that it may be more then just a "little" problem!! So for the first time in a long while I prayed!! Maybe its my optimism talking but I think she will be alright!! So if anyone is religious call the big man upstairs for some good news!! I'll put the phone charges on my debit card!! She needs some good news the way things are going for her recently!! Hell the last 20 years of life!! As well for me, she's like a sister to me, I don't need any bad news!! Now that'd be a way to test my theory about my self and tragedy!! That'd hurt and I don't need it to happen to know that!!
Unfortunately we haven't been as close as we once were for the last 7 years or so, but she's still important to me!!
Now for me, the most important person alive!!
Dude I need a job!!
I played baseball this summer as usual!! I keep telling myself I'm gonna get a guide dog but don't cuz of baseball!!
Christina went with me to Long Island and that was a nice time in itself!! U ever hear of ten dollar pizza?? Inside joke!!
Also I've sharpened my camillian skills of sneaking past the guards!! Ya Miss H can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man!!
Can't catch what u can't see!!
And yes sight impaired people can catch people!!
We then went to the world series and took fifth!! *sad face*. Its one of those disappointing things when u know u have a lot more potential than fifth place.
This was Hoodlums last year and I wanted him to have a ring!! Also it was Nick's birthday and that would be a nice gift to give him!!
However, Kansas didn't take first *happy face*.
Chris and I saw eachother a lot over the summer and it was nice!! Went to the taste of Chicago back in July and had a nice time!! I felt we walked for miles but it was worth it!! Her sis added a bit of flavor flavor to the mix!! A little bit of goofiness to make up for her frustration!!
We had our white socks trip that was a really nice time!! She had to drive which was kind of disappointing!! She wanted to pre-game before the game but didn't go accordingly!!
Her dad and I talked for a bit which didn't go bad!! I was actually nervous about talking to him!!
Random, along with that telephone call to God Pray for Chris's Grandma and friend Mary!!
She finally was able to buy her car which was rather exciting!!
Six months and we're still surviving!!
She's even been able to get in good with my ma!! But I've always had good taste in women!!
She's really been a blessing to me!!
My only concern is that when we're away from eachother we seem to have a bit of tension!! But when we're with eachother its all gravy!!
I wanted to write a lot more, got to help her move in!! Peace hugs, prayers and much love
(Reveal to me)
5th July 2008
Maybe some day I'll decide to finish, maybe not. :
And their words pierce through my soul like rusted chains.
binding my fate to their flawed views of my imperfections.
bound by the rope taken from the path of misdirection.
and the verdict is unmistakable
and your crimes are found in darkness
and the sentence is incapable.
And their minds are set in stone.
their belief of knowing the unknown
of familiarity with the unfamiliar.
a so-called expert of the peculiar.
A wall built by your ignorance
from this scrutiny is their no deliverance?
(Reveal to me)
21st June 2008
blast from the past.
Dear Journal :
Its been forever and so long and I feel I have so much to tell.
So to recap, on the 11th of February I wrote that Chris and I are official.
So for valentines day I did the basic and bought her some flowers. But she obviously didn’t know and they were delivered to her room.
So her and I decided to visit my old roommate at Western Illinois University. That was a pretty phenomenal time!!
So a friend picks Chris and I up at the bus station. He thought it would be funny to call my old roommate and tell him that the cops pulled us over in my old roommates car. Mind u my old roommate just got off of probation six seven months prior. We then said that the driver who picked us up had Marijuana in his car and the cops found it.
I put my old roommate on speaker during all of this. The roommates name for readers is Erick Carlson.
So Carlson was like “What the fuck… I told him not to bring that in my car!! I trusted him, what a deusch bag!!”. We then told him we’d call him as soon as we knew more.
When we got around the house we told Carlson that the police were taking us in!! Carlson “what the fuck?? What should I be doing?? Rich ask the cops what I should be doing now!!”. The driver wanted me to tell Carlson his car was gonna be taken away. I didn’t have the conscience to do it and told him we were just joking with him. It was a few good laughs.
We then began to party!! He has an apartment that he filled with posters, and black light posters. Also a surround system that goes throughout the house which is cool cuz u can hear it in the rest room.
I smoked a little which I shouldn’t have cuz I’ve been wanting to stop for some time now. I then played a drinking game called Irish poker. I then supposedly played the famous circle of death game to wich I have no recollection. I got really sick and threw up in the bathroom. I felt bad cuz Christina and Kathy a friend from Western had to take care of me.
Well they didn’t have to, they chose to.
We all went for Chinese food!! Then Erick had a band concert. Then we got some vodka and split it between four of us. We then went to a bar that was called the Pace. I danced for like an hour and a half nonstop!! *waves* thanks Christina for taking me a bit out of my comfort zone. For those who don’t know I don’t dance. I’m terrified of dancing. I’d rather run through a nazi seminar naked with Jewish symbols tattooed all over my body.
I met up with my friend Bridgette for lunch. I met her boyfriend and think he is a prick. But she is concerned about me and my relationship, so I guess we’re even.
It was a good time overall and I was glad I spent it with Chris. We are doing really well now and there is so much I need to write. I’m tired right now. I’ll update later.
Love and smiles Blindgod.
2 revelations (Reveal to me)
11th February 2008
Dear Journal! :
So I went fishing thursday!! I threw the hook in and caught a fish! Reel her in!! Chris and I are officially dating!!
Scary, after all of this crap with my last so many entries!!
I believe fishermen are the most patient beings on the face of this earth!!
Its kind of a scary thought!! I haven't been in a serious relationship for quite some time!
The thought of giving myself to another person is sometimes a rather frightening thought!!
Relationships for me always feel like they start out fine but somehow seem to slip between my fingers!!
Its so damn frustrating that it took her all of this time for her to see I was the one who truly gave a damn about her.
So friday Me chris and Em went to see that movie the Eye. It was an alright movie, I'll give it a five or six.
We then went to this cute restaurant with a tree in the middle of it with a friend from class. She is called Meghan.
Went to NV and had a few drinks. Lisa called EM with some bullshit problems. I can say I've never seen him chew someone out like that.
Reminded me of the way I use to be a few years ago!!
Saturday Chris and I went to wallmart! I spent like $80.00 on stuff. Thank God I had wallmart cards!!
Some of the bags broke on the way back to the dorm which is never fun!! We made it though, thank God for our ability to improvise.
Its so great being special ed majors, accommodate for the situation!!
Um Went to LB's house and crashed. Wasn't in any state to walk back! Interesting night in itself.
Sunday Just chilled. I'm going to hell cuz I haven't done much work in the last few days!!
Even though everything sounds great, which it is, there always has to be some bad news to take away the wind from my sails.
Well my Aunt has been diagnosed with cancer. I was close to her family!! *sad face*. My cousin Paul called me and told me! He was a little flustered when he told me.
Honestly no emotion has settled in with me, but it will with time.
*hugs Lisa*. It will be ok!! I'm thinking of you!!
Also I guess my pac Mate ran out of energy today!! My files for this whole year is destroyed. All my notes and everything.
I just wanted to cry this afternoon.
Otherwise all is well.
Peace and smile Blindgod.
3 revelations (Reveal to me)